Excerpts from Mike's Journal

Here are a few excerpts from Mike's journal.
 
"Back in 2002, I didn't really care about what I said because no one cared about me. And I didn't care about much anyone else. Megan claims to not being social and stuff outside of 5 people she's friends with because no one likes her or acknowledges her or gives a shit about her. That five people is more than what I had back when I started blogging.
 
Those demons that haunted me in 2002... I now know what it feels like to "love" someone. The emotional sense. Because what I feel around her I don't feel anywhere else. The care for her I don't give to anyone else.
 
But demons still haunt me. I learned that logic alone can't fix things. Because it makes you depressed to find how bad things really are, how you can't do jack shit to fix it all. So I became more emotional. This was before MSA still, mind you.
 
I'm now more emotional than ever. Mixed in with that love. But what I figured with Brenn, is that I'm trying too hard. The balance is supposed to find itself. I can't live with pure logicalness in my head because it gets me depressed. I can't be all emotional because it's irrational. But what I'm trying to do is be a jack of all trades, and I'm failing in general.
 
I think that's what's wrong with me. I'm moving my mind in so many directions that I can't cover it all without losing it."
 
Fun, isn't it. I had / have had trouble acquiring that "balance" for at least several months, ever since everything was offset by heart break. I just wish I wasn't so inarticulate when it comes to things of this nature that I could actually put it down in a way that makes sense, let alone as well as Mike's writings always are.
 
For starters, one connection that as I sit here half awake after getting maybe 3 hours of sleep as always that keeps coming back to mind is his reference to his girlfriend talking to only 5 people.

"Megan claims to not being social and stuff outside of 5 people she's friends with because no one likes her or acknowledges her or gives a shit about her. "
 
Yeah. During the good times I had around five people I talked to. And that cracked and fell apart as I merely watched step by step, not acting until after it was too late for any kind of aid. Now I'm probably brandished as an "enemy", when I'm really not. But with at least one of them there is nothing I can say or do now to change her mind. Which brings me to the next quote which conveniently is relevant to what I'm going on about.

"Went out of touch with all my school friends like I always do - I told you I wasn't social"

Heh. Yeah, I know that one real well. Typical summer for me: Lose a couple friends, be forgotten by most of the rest.. And yet part of me just hates it to death. Heh, I should know because I have never IMed Mike for starters whenever I see him on, among a number of other people (not counting old friends who I deleted from the buddy lists over a year ago at least for AIM and MSN). Tony I never see on anymore, and everyone else I never got screennames for because I only talked to them in person at school.

"You know what, I am a lucky ass bastard. I live in a decently big house, I'm extremely well provided for by my parents, I'm well-educated somehow (I don't see how I got this smart in this education system), I'm 100% asian by blood, I've got a great metabolism, etc. etc. etc. And every time I win at something or every time I buy something or get something big (i.e. camera) or every time I'm pushed into a situation or opportunity that I don't really want (Germany, Myrtle Beach), I _KNOW_ everyone around me is fucking jealous. Because they want to be where I'm going even though I don't want to be there?"

Good, so I don't have to state the obvious. lol. I'm almost afraid to even imagine what he'd be like if that luck changed drastically. Something going really wrong is inevitable, it's just a matter of when and where, sad to say. Not cynical or pessimistic -- Realistic.
 
Eh... and now my dumbass half-brain-dead self am trying to figure out what the crap my topic here was. It was more of a "cite a quote then ramble a bit, then repeat X number of times". It had been a long while it seemed since I really was interested in what he was writing, and, aside from bringing up feelings of envy, it was also inspirational, in a way.
 
Maybe some other time I'll be able to find the words to lay it out in since people can't read minds (God damn it / Woo hoo).